build it up.

anyway.
now i'm pretty much calmed down after the whole handphone fiasco.
which was pretty dumb to begin with.
for all the teaching experience she's garnered i think she should realize that pretty much all normal students actually use something called the handphone. during lecture.
especially if it's a lecture by an ugly teacher.damnit!
yeah. so anyway. we both got sent to hodge for
using a handphone during lecture.
extremely retarded.
maybe rj teachers just have to occasionally send down pupils to the principals' office for really silly offences.
u know, like a token sort of thing.

and btw, mdm teng looks really terrible.
she's like a figure straight out of a horor movie!
that was terribly mean
but for the amount of evil she has inflicted upon us.
nah.

back to training.
so it might be a k2 for me.
which i have absolutely no qualms about,
cept that i'll rowing with a weak j1.
j1s are completely useless. only thing they're decent in is their runs.
and since we're actually a group of canoeists, and not trackers.
i think upper-body strength actually matters.
so there.
am going to row with a deadweight every damned training.
maybe i shall go home to sleep.
a very attractive and plausible option.

fuck teng!
fugly old sandbag face.

live like you were dying

chopped off a little of my hair today.
fox is a nice place to cut your hair.
anyway.
progress reports make you feel stupid. especially if all your subjects are sub-50 percentile.
save for gp of course.
so much to my annoyance, my mom is very hung up over my grades.

"..I went sky divin
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds
On a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said one day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying.."

what would you do if u were to live like you were dying?

i would send my loves to my family.
although sometimes i really hate my mom.
i would, cut a mohawk.
i would, flip through my yearbooks, photos, autograph books once over. flip through memories.
i would sing through my collection of albums.
i would go sky diving.
i would go bungee jumping.
i would visit venice before it sinks.
i would go skinny dipping in some ocean.
i would go for a brazillian wax.
i would sit the swing.
many things i wanna do.
but most importantly, i would say
i love you
to him.

to live like you were dying.

jerk it out!

i like the song jerk it out!
hehheh.
scf's been alright.
bronze medal eh, from everybody else capsizing.
not bad. considering the amount of money we spent on paying for that stupid race. broken rudder and what not.
but my k1 was absolutely screwed up
i think i'm completely useless.
coach thinks i wont make it to nationals finals.
everybody's improving so damn fast but me.
rahh. not good. i think i shall just go row a k2 with a j1. and not torment myself with a very lonely k1.
we'll see.

progress report. percentiles are embarrasingly low.
mom's going to flip. especially with the movie fiasco this morning, where i stupidly left the movie stubs around.
wonder how it's like to get four As.
la/
everybody's flying off overseas for their tertiary years.
lucky them.
am not going to get a scholarship at this rate.
i want to go places.
like london, or "nu york, nu york!"
i want to like, learn how to live independantly.
it's not the prestige of a scholarship that beckons me
but much rather, the experience of living overseas, for a while at least.
cause as long as i remember, i had always wanted to live outside singapore for a while.
not like a 3-week vacation in europe or anything.
but a 3-year stay.

nah.
but aint easy.
i'll probably end up holed up in nus, or ntu, smu.
not like it's bad or anything,
but think about it, there's so much more to experience outside.
if only family is cash rich.

breaking my back just to know your name

scf's been alright.
although my k1 race was a ridiculous display of slackness and laziness.
you should have seen the lag.
highly embarrasing.
with friends screaming my name to move it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
now everybody in the canoeing world will think i'm extremely useless and lousy
which sometiems i am.
but not to that extent i was rowing today.
nvm nvm.
maybe tmrw i'll psyche up alil bit more and row hard
hard.
k4 was a mighty good stroke of luck
straight finals
am peeved by the whole rudder event.
with jx actually questioning my use of the rudder.
!!!!
audacity.
please, she doesnt even train with a k.
and her voice annoys me to no end.
!!!!!!!!!

posted an entry
but got lost amidst a flurry of spam threats and closed windows
anyway
my race tmr is a complete joke
check out my opponents
nadia jiaying nj pj capt
it's going to be an extremely humbling experience.
very embarrasing but nvm.
haha

fuck you!
seriously.

speed

it's such a frustration
when u're in the waters.
trying your darndest to get the boat up
but nothing much happens.
then people have the impression that it's only cuz i dont train properly.
or i dont put in much effort.
but aye, tell me, how do i change my strokes.
how do i get the stupid boat to move at a decent speed?
i dont know.i dont know.
slowpoke.

all hail my exit

canoeing is troubling.
coach has been scolding me this training. for my absolutely wonderful looking strokes.
bah.
i wanna eat this magical pill that transforms my strokes. to better one, that is.
k4 was good stuff.
although i have to admit i wasnt pulling as hard as i was supposed to. but hey, we were pretty damn stable.
lunch with tammy glenda yonghui at j8 was good. Food and gossip and laughs are a potent combination.
and then off to meet him.
i think things should be working out fine.
lets just see if this lasts for more than a week.
meanwhile, i shall just worry bout k1.

signs

it's an irony how when u're at your most down. the last thing u wanna do is to blog about it.
i shant blog bout it.
sick of talking bout it.
sick of mentioning bout it.
sick of thinking bout it.
sick of crying over it.
it's strange how i thought crying in front of others was completely unconceivable.
and now i cry everywhere. canteen classroom middle of class.
i scare myself sometimes.
hopefull all's fine and well.

"bad bad funny vibes you give off"-yashira
eeks. looks like i'm not that great at concealing my feelins after all.
or maybe cuz it reached the point where i just couldnt contain it all.

meanwhile, everything's more or less resolved for now. I think, i hope.

be strong,be strong.

!!

tres terrible!
oh no. i sound like some lovesick maniac afte reading my own posts!
something i swore i'll never be!
this is cannot.

distance,please.

life's a bitch!
when your throat becomes sore for nothing.
alright maybe over a couple of cookies and chocolates.
and your training absolutely sucks.
am feeling more than out of place in a k1.
and then stupid useless boys who refuse to help with the keeping up

and most importantly. YOU.
he probably thinks i'm angry because of macritchie issue today.
but no, aint because of that.
in fact, i dont even feel angry anymore.
not sad either.
because after a while, u reach a point where u dont feel anything anymore.
whats that called, resignation, yes.
i loathe the way i seem to have to convince him to spend time with him.
i loathe the way he makes treats me like a spare tyre. that's what they call substitues right? eg"hey, the lan shop closed, u wanna do anything now?" "oh, depends on who is bowling first"
i loathe the way i have to text him first, or ask him out first, so much so that if he does it to me i'll be so absolutely delighted.

so for now, i'll leave this be.
the place he occupies in my heart will soon shrink,
to an empty hole.
and i'll just bury all my feelings.
distance myself.
it's going to be tough but i'll try. :)
dont wanna hurt myself no more.

dang

weirong makes alot of sense.
ohwell. hopefully everything's alright.
today was a rather bland day.
j2 programme with a j1 is no joke.
it is completely ridiculous. the amount of strength u have to harness to get the boat moving.
and then the other j2 k2 boats will be sprinting way ahead of you.
ok la. at least like wanlin's not deadweight-deadweight.
but still.
i think it's quite annoying that your craft's unconfirmed when everybody around you is pretty much training away properly.
very very frustrating.
nevermind. at least j1s can give m resistance training.
then when i actually row properly. i'll fly.
hopefully.

torn and tattered

it hurts so bad.
u know u've gone too far, too deep when it starts hurting so, so bad.
yes. me the fool.
too many conflicting sides.
it's hard to trust when you're treated like that.
once and again.
and my hatred for j has deepened.
i've lost any form of respect for her.
and things are alot stranger now.
friendship-level speaking.
over two days, she and prameet have become best friends.
but me and jy cant care less actually.

breakaway. in the name of self defence.
i cant see what else i can do.

since when did loving someone become so painful?

the splitting tension

sometimes it's history that haunts you.
it's history that comes gnarling at your insecurities.
i've been pretty unsettled today.
no thanks to conflicting stories.
It's hard to stay cool and level headed, especially when u love a person so much.
i've always prided myself as being practical, cool, secure girl.
u know, not the sobbing, freaky kind.
but sometimes, love reduces you into a maniac.
yeah, the freaky kind.

and mum's making things even better with her constant nagging.
why cant she just fucking understand?
because, really, i would absolutely love to do better for cts.
supposed to be home by tmr 6.
which is absurd.
annoyance.

bloody j1s. bloody nagging. bloody you.

hahaheeheehoho

today was a relatively good day.
save for the rather disastrous training.
it started pouring halfway and we were forced to retreat to metal huts.
standing in a row with a very slim roof sheltering us from the pounding rain.
very sad indeed. but it was a classic moment.
and today, i was overtly frank to our dear t1 friend. b
basically i called her fat.
but it wasnt without provocation.
she called dior fat. an issue which she certainly has no right to comment about.
k1. sji boat.
friggin unstable.
ended up utterring a profanity. actually i didnt utter, but rather, shouted.
nevermind. stability shall improve. stability must improve.

gosh. am exploding.
new locations. new times.
and today was before gp talk.
haha.

of physics, chem, g strings and a bitch

hah! the bitch was still all out on monday. during the trials.
maddening.
but i guess i'll leave it like that.

i got a nice big E for physics.
maybe i'm stupid. maybe my larger than life forehead contains nothing much but air.
haha.
glorious academic years are very very over. jt wonders why i cant seem to be very bothered by my grades. plus another comment about how "last time u very smart what!"

my maiden experience with a g string today!
haha. good grief. i must be really bored to be blogging bout undies.
but it's uncomfortable.
even though i spent the last night, acclimatizing to it. if that's a suitable word

wedding date was nice. although i must add i was kept very busy half the movie.
very busy, indeed. ;)

sister's off to grand europe this june. See, some people get to travel to nice places while i sit in singapore and live my very jaded life. the italy guidebook is absolutely lovely. and i want to go italy.rome!milan!florence!venice!pisa!naples!sicily! here i come!
haha.

disco inferno!

am not looking forward to coming land trainings.
but nevermind i shant think of that for now.
at least i know when the world falls away, there's always someone there for me.
this is my journal of insecurities.
anyway. i bopped down to town to grab the 50cent album. and then did some shopping.
so there, my shopping list has grown longer. and i've gotten my long-awaited belt.
and i spotted an absolutely bust enhancing top today.
very good for the flats like me.
I need alot of money NOW. for myself. for him. haha
oh, just let me lead a life of decadence and indulgence.
i'll be quite happy thank you.
instead of the shit i have to live with now.
sometimes i wonder why the hell i'm so bloody nice to friends.
or rather "friends".
i'm fucking stupid am i not?

captain almighty (fuck you)

man.
so much for being great friends last year.
alright. first and foremost, i dont have anything against drifting apart. i'm not one to be sobbing after broken friendships.
but organising in threes
is pissing the crap out of me.
since when were sets done in threes?
what a bitch.
and i'm going to predict future sets are going to be done in threes.
well, all i can is, go fuck off somewhere.

training was. extremely boring.
rowed with j1s. so the only thing exciting that happened was getting the rudder stuck in a line.
everything's mighty unconfirmed for me.
dont know if i'm doing k1/k2.
and please, please, put me in nationals this year.
will be absolutely devestated if i'm not.

i like this. blogging in it's full naked glory.
no pretense. no shits voyeuring around
well maybe there are, but i'm hoping not many for now.

back to you. back to you. back to you.
what can i say.
i feel weirdly odd when girls sit around him.
and even worse, when it's j.
dont get me wrong. i'm certainly no over possesive freak. that freaks out when he talks to girls.
and i feel even worse when he seems to talk to everybody else but me in school.

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you dress up.
I hate the way you stare.
I hate your big dumb lanning obsession, and the way you read my mind.
i hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, i hate the way u're always right.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when u make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around,and the fact that you didnt text.
But mostly i hate the way i dont hate you.
Not even close, not even abit, not even at all.

how do i loathe thee. let me count the ways.

silence is golden

new blog.
i like this space.
it's littered by quotes from before sunset.
i want to be a fat french girl

meanwhile, am relishing the new silence
let the bitching begin.