i give up

on class participation.

i am not outspoken, un-self conscious, loudly inquisitive, and will never be.

it's soo tiring to be hardworking. i dont remember ever putting that much effort into work. but here, you know no matter how much think you put in, there will always be a dozen others or more who put in way more than you do. and at the end of the day, it doesnt matter if you know you can probably do much better than others if you put in the same amount of effort. no one cares.

okay, that was alot of put ins. haha.

feeling rather uninspired by what i'm studying. just number-crunching, going through the motions. recalling content. nothing very simulating. i'm pretty sure what i learn will be useful in the future, but it's just not something that would motivate me to explore more or deal with in the next 20 years of my life. just like how i read somewhere in thomas friedman's book, about how lawyers & accountants go for painting or gardening classes in their free time for fun, but no gardener will every do someone's tax for fun. well, i'm sure there are people who have a passion for accounting, but i guess i'm not one of them. not yet at least. maybe finance will do it for me. hur, i dont know.

well just one of those i-dont-know-what-i'm-doing-with-my-life posts. probably borne out of the mindnumbing number of projects and work to be completed. and the intensity of school. not the good kind of intense.

i just want everything to be effortless again. but i guess that's just wishful thinking on my part. -wistful smile-